Ever noticed how many ye olde sayings are still around today? Maybe it's a bit of an overestimation of their age, but haven't you ever had a moment where some older relative pops out a little nugget of their years, you polish it up expectantly in your head... And then discover as opposed to being a gold nugget, it's more likely to be comprised of that strange ear wax only 60+ year olds get. So I thought that this week/month/year? (There's no real regularity to these posts) we'd tear asunder some of the sayings that should have been left in a retirement home many, many years ago.
1. "I don't try to explain to people why I ride a Motorcycle."
I thought I'd start off with something simple. Firstly... what the hell? I mean, if you started but they didn't understand, then it would make sense not to try and explain further... But not trying at all? If kids of today went out to do something, and when asked by their parents what/where/why/when, and replied with "I don't try to explain why I do x", we'd either have a lot of dead kids or a lot of grounded ones. Hey, in fact - go for it! Either way, let's keep them off the streets.
2. "Come home early, nothing good ever happens after midnight."
Don't they know that most clubs don't even get started until after midnight? What about midnight snacks? Midnight sex? Sex at 3am? Sex in general, pretty much. This is what you get when your ancestors lived in a sexually repressed society; although the current situation where it has completely back flipped (i.e. the full-on sexually open) could be a little bit too far. At the rate we're going, my kids (if they ever come into being) will be learning about contraception around the same time they're learning to walk.
3. "When you say "I can't", you actually mean "I don't want to"."
Try saying that to the double amputee you want to run the 100m sprint.
4. "Never own ANYTHING you aren't willing to drill a hole in."
Now, now, remember, men and women are equals now, men don't own their wives...anymore. I'm sorry, that was just too easy. But still, if anyone, including me brings a drill near the Aston-Martin DB9 I 'own' for the sake of the conversation, I'll get them where they stand.
5. "Your enemies can hurt you, but only your fear defeats you! Only those who risk going too far will ever know how far they can go."
And remember kids, those who risk going too far are 100% more likely to die screaming as their parachute fails to open/bungee cord snaps (or as it was found recently, comes undone)/F1 car spontaneously explodes... Although in their slightly shorter lifespans, they probably have more fun, earn more, get some plastic trophy wife (not sure whether that's a plus or a minus), sleep with adoring teen fans (ditto to this one - some of those girls are probably about as safe to plug as a chemical toilet)... So it could balance out.
6. "Anyone who hasn't got a little bit of a temper is not worth killing."
That's just discrimination against people with anger problems.
7. "A young man is embarrassed to question an older one."
The older man has obviously never met me. My parents decided I was the most argumentative child in existence. They still hold this view, I believe (although my brother is catching up and will most likely overtake me).
8. "Live life to the fullest."
This saying differs in that whilst I agree with what it's trying to say (try and make your life mean something) it's missing a key part (try and make your life mean something to someone). Who's to say that a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, who started off as a bottle-cap collector, has lived a fuller life than a garbage collector with 3 kids and a mortgaged house? Admittedly, the CEO probably has several houses, various vehicles and many more opportunities, but taking a different approach, the garbage collector who never wanted to move on because he was looking after his kids, or simply because he loved his job - and before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, there probably are people out there doing the shitty jobs no-one else wants to do, and they enjoy them. Not because they love handling tonnes of garbage, or scrubbing hundreds of toilets, but because the job gives them something that is important to them, whether it be more time with their family, a host of colleagues who become good mates... Etc, etc.
9. "Oh isn't so-and-so sweet on you! [Or] You're rather sweet on so-and-so, aren't you?"
Oh yeah, every time we hug I just want to lick her off me. Or scrape it off and put it in my coffee. Seriously, where did this even originate? Was it traditional for lovers to cover themselves in honey and rub over each other? Because that could be kinda hot, if a little sticky.
And finally, my personal favourite:
10. " Such-and-such is the best thing since sliced bread."
Just putting it out there: sliced bread isn't that great. I mean, yeah, you save an extra 30 seconds making a sandwich, and you don't need to have the requisite knife skills. Excellent. Personally I'm a fan of cutting the slices myself, you can go thin for thin sandwiches, thick for packed sandwiches or thick-cut toast, or my personal favourite (and specialty) the wedge, which is both thick and thin, and results in every subsequent slice also being a wedge as the next person tries to correct my mistake. Still, there's something so down-to-earth about doing it yourself, one man, his knife and a loaf of bread waiting to be cut...
...sounds like the type of movie that would be released fairly soon.
Adieu!
1. "I don't try to explain to people why I ride a Motorcycle."
I thought I'd start off with something simple. Firstly... what the hell? I mean, if you started but they didn't understand, then it would make sense not to try and explain further... But not trying at all? If kids of today went out to do something, and when asked by their parents what/where/why/when, and replied with "I don't try to explain why I do x", we'd either have a lot of dead kids or a lot of grounded ones. Hey, in fact - go for it! Either way, let's keep them off the streets.
2. "Come home early, nothing good ever happens after midnight."
Don't they know that most clubs don't even get started until after midnight? What about midnight snacks? Midnight sex? Sex at 3am? Sex in general, pretty much. This is what you get when your ancestors lived in a sexually repressed society; although the current situation where it has completely back flipped (i.e. the full-on sexually open) could be a little bit too far. At the rate we're going, my kids (if they ever come into being) will be learning about contraception around the same time they're learning to walk.
3. "When you say "I can't", you actually mean "I don't want to"."
Try saying that to the double amputee you want to run the 100m sprint.
4. "Never own ANYTHING you aren't willing to drill a hole in."
Now, now, remember, men and women are equals now, men don't own their wives...anymore. I'm sorry, that was just too easy. But still, if anyone, including me brings a drill near the Aston-Martin DB9 I 'own' for the sake of the conversation, I'll get them where they stand.
5. "Your enemies can hurt you, but only your fear defeats you! Only those who risk going too far will ever know how far they can go."
And remember kids, those who risk going too far are 100% more likely to die screaming as their parachute fails to open/bungee cord snaps (or as it was found recently, comes undone)/F1 car spontaneously explodes... Although in their slightly shorter lifespans, they probably have more fun, earn more, get some plastic trophy wife (not sure whether that's a plus or a minus), sleep with adoring teen fans (ditto to this one - some of those girls are probably about as safe to plug as a chemical toilet)... So it could balance out.
6. "Anyone who hasn't got a little bit of a temper is not worth killing."
That's just discrimination against people with anger problems.
7. "A young man is embarrassed to question an older one."
The older man has obviously never met me. My parents decided I was the most argumentative child in existence. They still hold this view, I believe (although my brother is catching up and will most likely overtake me).
8. "Live life to the fullest."
This saying differs in that whilst I agree with what it's trying to say (try and make your life mean something) it's missing a key part (try and make your life mean something to someone). Who's to say that a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, who started off as a bottle-cap collector, has lived a fuller life than a garbage collector with 3 kids and a mortgaged house? Admittedly, the CEO probably has several houses, various vehicles and many more opportunities, but taking a different approach, the garbage collector who never wanted to move on because he was looking after his kids, or simply because he loved his job - and before you wrinkle your nose in disgust, there probably are people out there doing the shitty jobs no-one else wants to do, and they enjoy them. Not because they love handling tonnes of garbage, or scrubbing hundreds of toilets, but because the job gives them something that is important to them, whether it be more time with their family, a host of colleagues who become good mates... Etc, etc.
9. "Oh isn't so-and-so sweet on you! [Or] You're rather sweet on so-and-so, aren't you?"
Oh yeah, every time we hug I just want to lick her off me. Or scrape it off and put it in my coffee. Seriously, where did this even originate? Was it traditional for lovers to cover themselves in honey and rub over each other? Because that could be kinda hot, if a little sticky.
And finally, my personal favourite:
10. " Such-and-such is the best thing since sliced bread."
Just putting it out there: sliced bread isn't that great. I mean, yeah, you save an extra 30 seconds making a sandwich, and you don't need to have the requisite knife skills. Excellent. Personally I'm a fan of cutting the slices myself, you can go thin for thin sandwiches, thick for packed sandwiches or thick-cut toast, or my personal favourite (and specialty) the wedge, which is both thick and thin, and results in every subsequent slice also being a wedge as the next person tries to correct my mistake. Still, there's something so down-to-earth about doing it yourself, one man, his knife and a loaf of bread waiting to be cut...
...sounds like the type of movie that would be released fairly soon.
Adieu!
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